They’ve Never Said Hello. Why Does That Bother Me So Much?

They’ve never once said hello to me in the morning.

Not once.

And for a while, I found that oddly upsetting. I’m expressive. Relational. Upbeat. I wave in the hallway. I smile at people when I walk into a room. I fill silences, sometimes too much. So when someone doesn’t acknowledge me, not even a nod and I feel it.

I start to wonder: what did I do wrong?

But here’s the what I've realised. They’re not intending to be rude. They’re not playing power games. They’re not disengaged. They’re just different. And left unseen, people like this can end up being the difficult one, left outside the system. The one who keeps things in, never shares, never plays nice. And so, does indeed, disengage.

But they’re not building that character.

They’re just seeing and processing the world differently, and often literally.

So my wiffly, waffly, fun, in the grey, can be a nightmare for them.

Get to the point Layla. What EXACTLY do you want?

And by the way, leave me alone.

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What It Can Look Like

If you’ve worked in a team, you’ve likely seen this kind of colleague.

They might:

Never say hello or goodbye and not think anything of it

Miss social cues but remember every product decision from three years ago

Stay quiet in meetings but deliver something game-changing when the brief is finally clear enough

Correct the wrong use of a dash in a Slack channel name and care deeply about it

Appear cold or resistant but actually be trying very hard to get it right

Ask specifically which part of this document do I need to read and why?

They’re not trying to be difficult. They’re being precise. They’re being careful. They’re being literal. And if you’re not tuned into that frequency, it can come off wrong.

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What I'm Learning to Do Differently

1. Name the mismatch, not the person

Instead of asking why someone is like this, I try asking how we can make things work better between us.

2. Give time and clarity

I’m learning to send documents ahead of time. Not just slides in the moment. They want detail. Specifics. The full picture. Otherwise, they disengage. Not from laziness, but from overload.

3. Be literal when it counts

“Please respond by Wednesday.”

“Can you add comments here?”

“I’m asking for your input.”

It feels stiff to me, but for them, it’s grounding.

4. Let them care in their way

They might complain about formatting inconsistencies or debate the structure of a decision doc. That’s not stubbornness. That’s their way of holding the system. Of caring about the integrity of the work.

5. Create space beyond the spotlight

Not everyone performs well in the moment. Some people need silence, a clear brief, and time to build something quietly. If we only reward the loudest contributors, we miss the ones doing the deepest work.

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Why It Matters

When we misread someone like this, we risk pushing them out. We start imagining they’re withholding, or arrogant, or disengaged.

But when we meet them properly, we find something else entirely.

System-level insight

Emotional care, expressed through precision and structure

Strategic foresight, often before anyone else has seen the issue

Deep contribution that doesn’t always announce itself

They’re not trying to be difficult. They’re trying to be useful. But if we keep expecting them to lead or speak like we do, we might force them into a character they never meant to play.

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What I'm Still Unlearning

That loud means engaged

That silence means no

That critique is always about me

That not saying hello means they don’t care

Sometimes people are showing up the best way they know how. Sometimes they’re just waiting for someone to notice. To make room. To ask.

I’m learning to stop reading those silences as slights. To stop expecting everyone to meet me where I am. And to start meeting them where they are.

Because when we do, we don’t just get better teams. We get to keep the people who might otherwise slip away. Not because they lacked brilliance, but because we didn’t see it.

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-Layla