They've Never Said Hello. Why Does That Bother Me So Much?
Layla Foord
They never say hello, but it's not intentional. They're just different to me.
When someone doesn’t meet you where you are
For a while, I found it oddly upsetting.
I’m expressive.
Relational.
Upbeat.
I wave in the hallway.
I smile when I walk into a room.
I fill silences, sometimes too much.
So when someone doesn’t acknowledge me, not even a nod, I feel it.
I start to wonder:
What did I do wrong?
What I’ve realised
They’re not intending to be rude.
They’re not playing power games.
They’re not disengaged.
They’re just different.
And left unseen, people like this can end up being the one outside the system.
- the one who keeps things in
- who doesn’t share
- who doesn’t “play nice”
And eventually, yes, they disengage.
But that’s not the origin
They’re not building that character.
They’re seeing and processing the world differently.
Often, very literally.
Where it clashes
My way of being:
- expressive
- exploratory
- comfortable in the grey
Can be overwhelming.
Get to the point Layla. What EXACTLY do you want?
And underneath that:
Leave me alone.
You’ve probably seen this person
If you’ve worked in a team, you’ve likely seen this kind of colleague.
- Doesn’t say hello or goodbye, and doesn’t think anything of it
- Misses social cues, but remembers every product decision from three years ago
- Stays quiet in meetings, then delivers something game-changing once the brief is clear
- Corrects the wrong use of a dash in a Slack channel name and cares deeply about it
- Appears cold or resistant, but is trying very hard to get it right
- Asks: which part of this document do I need to read, and why?
What’s actually happening
They’re not trying to be difficult.
They’re being:
- precise
- careful
- literal
And if you’re not tuned to that frequency, it can come across the wrong way.
What I’m learning to do differently
1. Name the mismatch, not the person
Instead of asking why someone is like this, ask:
How do we make this work better between us?
2. Make the work clearer
I’m learning to:
- send documents ahead of time
- share full context, not just slides in the moment
- make expectations explicit
They want detail. Specifics. The full picture.
Otherwise, they disengage.
Not from laziness, but from overload.
3. Respect how they hold the system
They might:
- point out formatting inconsistencies
- question document structure
- challenge how decisions are framed
That’s not stubbornness.
It’s care.
A way of holding the integrity of the work.
4. Create space beyond the spotlight
Not everyone performs in the moment.
Some people need:
- silence
- a clear brief
- time to think
If we only reward the loudest contributors, we miss the deepest work.
What becomes visible
When we misread someone like this, we risk pushing them out.
We tell ourselves they’re:
- withholding
- arrogant
- disengaged
But when we meet them properly, something else shows up.
What’s actually there
- Emotional care, expressed through precision and structure
- Strategic foresight, often before others see it
- Deep contribution that doesn’t announce itself
They’re not trying to be difficult.
They’re trying to be useful.
The assumptions to let go of
- That critique is about me
- That not saying hello means they don’t care
Sometimes people are showing up the best way they know how.
Sometimes they’re waiting:
- to be noticed
- to be understood
- to be met where they are
The shift
I’m learning to stop reading those silences as slights.
To stop expecting everyone to meet me where I am.
And to start meeting them where they are.
What it changes
When we do that:
We don’t just get better teams.
We keep the people who might otherwise slip away.
Not because they lacked brilliance.
But because we didn’t see it.
The Pattern
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